Thirty to Fifty Feral Hogs Read online

  Thirty to Fifty Feral Hogs

  A Crematoria Online LitRPG Short Story

  by

  Matthew J. Barbeler

  Copyright © Matthew J. Barbeler 2019

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the author.

  This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance it bears to any individual is entirely coincidental. Any resemblance this work bears to any situation or event is entirely coincidental.

  Produced by Matthew J. Barbeler

  Cover art licensed through www.depositphotos.com

  Cover art font licensed through quirino jr pongase sosas

  [email protected]

  www.matthewjbarbeler.com

  This short story is for the meme lords.

  Chapter One - Crematoria Online

  Logging into Crematoria Online was a wholly unpleasant experience. Not only had the damned Crematoria Chamber forced a feeding tube down Neil’s throat, but he had to play knowing that he was going to soil himself and have a pair of vacuum underwear suck all the waste away.

  If this was how new video games were going to be, then Neil didn’t know whether he wanted any part of them.

  However, he changed his mind as soon as his consciousness coalesced into a new digital form within Crematoria Online’s character creation section.

  That morning, while brushing his teeth and shaving the fuzz that grew on his face, Neil had looked like an old man. His children were grown and living their own lives now, and ever since the breakdown of his marriage a year ago, Neil had felt adrift.

  He was living a meaningless, pleasureless existence. Just going through the motions because he didn’t know any other way to be. When he was growing up, his father never let him be sad, so now he didn’t know how to recognize that feeling. Even though he and sadness were closer now than Neil had been with his best friends back in high school.

  That changed the first time he got a look at himself in the mirrors that encircled him within Crematoria Online.

  The hair of his avatar had no hint of gray in it. It was the same thick black mane he’d had when he was younger. The lines around his face were gone too. The smooth tightness of youthful skin made him grin at his own reflection. His teeth were perfect, too. They showed none of the yellowing caused by years of caffeine abuse.

  A figure appeared next to Neil, which scared the everliving shit out of him.

  “Hello there,” the figure said. “I’m the Concierge, here to make your transition into Crematoria Online a pleasant one.”

  “Jesus, you scared the life out of me,” Neil said, then took a moment to collect himself.

  “Oh, I’m terribly sorry about that.”

  Neil lifted a hand to his face and ran it over the smooth young skin on his cheek. “Why do I look like I’m in my twenties?”

  “You can change your age appearance setting if you wish,” the Concierge said. He appeared to be an old-timey gentleman wearing a top hat, a monocle, and a fancy tailored suit.

  “Oh, no, I quite like looking young again. I just wondered why.”

  “I’m not quite sure, but you can change it if you wish.”

  “No, I’m quite happy. So how does this all work then?” Neil gestured to the world around him.

  “Sir, I must advise you that you have less than five minutes remaining before Crematoria Online goes live.”

  “What? Seriously?”

  Neil had timed it so that he’d log in an hour before the servers went live, but there were always those pesky little things called time zones that played havoc with specific launch times.

  “I’m afraid so,” the Concierge said.

  “Damn it. Not much time to choose a class, then? Well, you might be able to help me out. I want to be something different,” Neil said. “Something far different than what I am.”

  “What are you?”

  Neil smiled ruefully. “A fool. A man who’s spent the last thirty years of his life living in the hustle and bustle of the city, always feeling trapped in this wonderful cage that he’s built for himself. Now that the door’s open, I don’t quite know what to do.”

  There wasn’t a single one of his friends that wasn’t jealous of the cars in his garage, or the range of investment properties he owned, or the fact that he made more in a month than most of his friends did in a year.

  But all of that changed.

  His wife, well, soon-to-be-ex-wife, was a brunette bombshell that he’d neglected for the sake of his career, and she was trying to take half of what he’d earned with his years of toil in the divorce. She even took one of the kids. His daughter, Tomina, would always be his little girl, but his son? That was a different story entirely. He was his mother’s child, despite Neil’s best efforts.

  The way Neil’s father raised him only served to push Shane away.

  Now Neil was living in an apartment overlooking the Hudson River. He was lucky he still had that. It was one of the only assets his soon-to-be-ex-wife would allow him to keep without contest.

  This was not where he expected to be at the tail end of his career. This break he’d taken from work was a necessary one. He’d blocked out a month of his calendar for Crematoria Online’s launch. It was a staycation, just of a different kind.

  “So, you want to become something different?” the Concierge said.

  “Desperately,” Neil said.

  “Try this on for size.”

  The vision before Neil changed. Flowing robes appeared on his avatar body. They were mostly green but stained darker at the bottom. There were no sleeves, which allowed his muscular shoulders and arms to show through. There was a sword at his hip, and a backpack strapped to his back.

  “There are many races and classes to choose from in Crematoria Online, but I think this option is the one most closely aligned to your aim. This is an Erwysh Skinwalker,” the Concierge explained.

  “Erwysh?” Neil asked. He already had a bit of an idea what a Skinwalker was, and wondered how closely this game would align their concept to the First Nations legends.

  “The Erwysh are the nomadic tribes who live in the Erwyn Wildlands at the top of the world. Their lands are wild and untamed, much like their people. Some Erwysh live solitary lives, whereas others live in small communities which are in balance with the world around them.”

  Neil smiled. “I haven’t felt in balance with the world in years.”

  “Then it’s time you regained some of that balance. Would you like me to explain what a Skinwalker is?”

  “I can bond with animals, right? And call on their spirits to change my form?”

  “In a manner of speaking, yes. You can learn the Wild Aspect of any creature and assume its form. If you wish to soar through the skies on the wings of a hawk, you can. You may bound through the forest like an elk, or hunt your foes through the eyes of a bear!”

  “Is that all I have to choose from? Hawk, elk, or bear?”

  “Not at all. You may assume the Wild Aspect of any beast you bond with.”

  When Neil was younger, his father would take him to Lonely Mountain Lodge in the Appalachians. While they were in the mountains, Neil often daydreamed about becoming one of the animals that called the mountains home.

  The freedom of the bird to take wing and fly off to wherever he wanted to go made Neil envious. He’d stand atop one of the boulders with his hands outstretched, his eyes closed, and imagine that the wind he felt under his arms would lift him into the sky and let him fly away.

  Now he had a chance to do exactly that
. Besides, the game was almost live! Neil didn’t want to miss a second.

  “Yeah, I’m going to be an Erwysh Skinwalker.”

  “Would you like to know any more about the class or your other options?”

  “No. This sounds perfect.”

  “Very well,” the Concierge said with a bow. “If we had more time, you could test out your class in a tutorial environment, but the servers have just gone live.”

  “I’ll figure it out when I get in there,” Neil said. “Log me in!”

  “Very well. Good luck, and may the Celestials watch over you.”

  Everything went black, and Neil floated through the void.

  Chapter Two - The Everwood

  Soft grass formed under Neil’s feet as his eyes opened. It was damp and cold like it was early morning. Birds sang in the boughs of nearby trees. The sharp smell of pine was familiar and pleasant. Neil spun around and found himself in the middle of a forest.

  As he turned, he spied something big moving nearby. Its form was masked by the trunks of thick trees, but it was close. Neil swallowed nervously.

  Even though he couldn’t see the creature’s entire form, he saw enough to know that it was massive. There were black hooves on the end of long spindly legs, a body draped in shaggy, matted fur, and savage horns that rose above a blackened face. And was that a saddle? But there was no rider. What in the world could ride something so big?

  A baleful sound came from the direction of the creature, and Neil’s fight or flight response kicked in.

  He turned and ran, which he knew was the wrong choice the moment the beast’s hooves beat the frantic rhythm of pursuit.

  Neil looked over his shoulder and caught sight of something monstrous behind him. It cracked branches and bent ancient trunks to the side as it closed in on him. No matter how fast he ran, the thing gained on him. Hot breath blew over his back as the creature’s inhalations and exhalations grew louder.

  Something hit him from behind, which sent him sprawling into the pine needles on the forest floor. He tried to get up, but the creature had other ideas. It stomped on his back and held him down.

  “Stop running,” the creature said. Its voice was a deep guttural rumble. “If I let you up, will you promise not to run?”

  “Only if you promise not to eat me!” Neil said.

  “Eat you?” the monster said. It sounded amused. “I’m not going to eat you, boy. I’m here to teach you.”

  Neil stopped struggling then. The weight lifted from his back, and he was allowed to rise back to his feet. The monster behind him was a gargantuan moose-like creature. Shaggy black and brown fur covered it from nose to tail. Massive antlers rose from either side of its head, and it looked down at him with curiosity.

  “You are of the old blood,” it said.

  “I’m of the what-now?” Neil asked.

  “The old blood. From a time when men and women were beasts, and we could commune with them,” the moose-thing said. “I am Malphis, and I believe I was sent here to teach you the ways of the Skinwalker.”

  Neil shook his head. “This isn’t how tutorials are supposed to go. They don’t start with your teacher chasing you through the woods!”

  “I couldn’t be sure of who you were,” Malphis said. “Many people from the world of men come into our forests and upset the natural order of things. It was only when I smelled you that I knew you and I were of the same blood.”

  “Wait, you’re a Skinwalker too?” Neil asked.

  A shudder crept over Malphis’s moose form, beginning at his shoulders. Then it washed over his body like a tide as his skin started to shift. Great patches of fur came loose as his skin sloughed off in ugly bloody chunks. The meat beneath morphed as the bones within changed shape. Teeth fell out of the great moose’s mouth, replaced with tiny human teeth that looked out of place in the moose’s maw. The antlers fell to the ground heavily as the moose seemed to melt in on itself.

  Then, something moved under the fur. A man emerged from a crack in the shaggy lump. He came out covered in blood, which steamed in the cold morning air.

  Before Neil stood an old man, with hair of black and brown that matched the colors of the fur on the moose from only moments before.

  “It has been some time since I last assumed human form,” Malphis said. He spoke slowly, as though he was trying to work out how his mouth and tongue worked together to make words.

  Neil swallowed. Maybe choosing to play as a Skinwalker wasn’t a smart choice. He thought it would be just like playing a Druid in Dungeons & Dragons, where a player could just shift between their human and animals forms without any problems.

  Malphis’s transformation looked painful and messy.

  Not to mention that Malphis was completely naked in the cold morning air.

  “Do you need any clothes?” Neil asked.

  He didn’t have much to give, but Neil supposed he might be able to tear off a section of his robe to use as a loincloth if Malphis needed it.

  “No need,” Malphis said as he turned around and bent over, giving Neil a view right up main street. Neil averted his eyes from the full moon. “I’ve got a pack of old clothes around here somewhere.”

  The saddle Neil saw earlier wasn’t a saddle at all. Malphis found the ratty old backpack and opened it up. He retrieved a tattered old robe and slipped it on.

  “Clothes,” Malphis said with disdain. “Such a human invention. Just because some people couldn’t keep their desires in check, they forced us all to cover ourselves. How is that for fair? We need to restrict ourselves because others cannot control their urges? This is why I live alone in the woods.”

  When Malphis turned back around, Neil was surprised that most of the blood and gore that had covered Malphis only minutes before was almost gone. The mound of moose-sheddings was also noticeably smaller.

  “What happened to all the blood and muck?” Neil asked.

  “Our discarded forms rot very quickly,” Malphis said. “Exactly how much do you know about your Skinwalker heritage?”

  Neil shook his head. “Almost nothing.”

  “Then it’s good that I found you. Will you accompany me to my home? From there, we will begin your training.”

  A notification appeared in the bottom of Neil’s view.

  New Quest Available: Learning to Skinwalk

  Return to Malphis’s house and skinwalk for the first time.

  Rewards: 150 experience points and Wild Aspect ability.

  Neil focused on the Wild Aspect, and an information panel appeared.

  Wild Aspect

  Level: Novice

  Cooldown: 1 Day

  Commune with an aspect of nature to take on its form. The ability may only be used on Small to Medium creatures at Novice Rank.

  Wild Aspect sounded like it was an integral component of the Skinwalker class, so Neil had no choice but to accept the quest.

  “Excellent!” Malphis said. “Follow me, and we shall begin.”

  Neil followed Malphis through the forest.

  “This is the Everwood,” Malphis explained. “When the Erwysh first discovered these woods, it was thought that they went on forever. We know now that is not the case, but they are so vast that they might as well be endless. Only the Erwysh set foot here in the deep places. The Everwood remembers what it feels like to be chopped with the axe and to be burned by men with torches. One day your harmony with nature might grow deep enough to listen to the old sad songs of the trees. They remember a time long since passed that we shall never know again.”

  While they moved through the forest, Malphis would sometimes lull into periods of humming to himself, and Neil used these opportunities to check out his statistics.

  He was only Level 1, which was to be expected. He had 5 primary attribute points to distribute, and he figured he would do that once he understood his class a little better. He navigated to his abilities screen to look at what abilities he had access to at Level 1.

  Bestial Swiftness


  Rank: Novice

  Cooldown: 3 minutes

  Bestial Swiftness draws on the currently chosen Wild Aspect to allow the user to increase their run speed based on their Wild Aspect for 5 seconds. Usable in human form only.

  Okay, well that was cool, but he didn’t have a Wild Aspect yet, so he wouldn’t be able to use it until he did. That would come soon.

  Skinwalk

  Rank: Novice

  Use: Unlimited

  Change form to your currently chosen Wild Aspect, or return to human form.

  That was another ability that he couldn’t use until Neil had access to his Wild Aspect ability.

  There was one other ability called Wild Traversal. Neil focused on it.

  Wild Traversal

  Passive ability

  Rank: Novice

  The old blood courses through your veins. You move 5% faster in any non-urban environment.

  That wasn’t a game-changer, but it certainly was a nice little bonus that would help Neil navigate this treacherous forest.

  “Do you have a favorite place in nature, Neil?” Malphis asked.

  Neil quickly dismissed his abilities screen. He hadn’t been paying attention while he was checking out his abilities.

  “I love the mountains,” Neil said.

  “What is it that you love about them?”

  “Oh, I don’t know, they’re pretty, I guess?”

  Malphis turned on Neil and glared at him. “You’re going to have to try harder than that if you want to commune with the wild. Come now, tell me what you really like about the mountains.” Malphis turned back and followed whatever unseen path he followed.

  Last time Neil traveled to the mountains was well over three years ago. He was one of the lucky ones who still had a job after the AI revolution where over half of the job market was replaced by automation. His father saw the writing on the wall while Neil was in high school, and convinced Neil to become a lawyer.